During the day when four extremely noisy, energetic children nearly deafen me, I am constantly wishing for the peace and quiet that comes when they are all tucked safely in their beds. But then every night that wish comes true. I sit for a while in the silence working or reading or folding laundry, whatever holds my attention, but soon I feel myself going a bit mad! I begin wishing for at least one child to wake up and creep down to my room to snuggle or chat. This rarely happens, so I turn on the TV or find some really weird songs on YouTube. Then, those songs lead me to weird videos on YouTube, and we all know that that is not necessarily the best idea. 😉
For so many years, I have not had time to myself. I grew out of being happy in solitude. I suppose this is part of my “finding happiness” journey, figuring out how to be happy alone. I mean, I think in general, I am a happy person. I have an annoyingly great way of finding the positive in almost every situation, but when I am my only company for the night, where does that happiness go?
Sometimes I look back and think about all the arguments with my husband and all the crap we dragged each other through. I start to wonder if I should just stay…because staying in a relationship that you already know how things are going to work (even though it sucks) seems less scary than jumping into a world that you have no clue about.
My decision for the divorce hasn’t changed, but the brave mask I wear doesn’t fit as well when I’m by myself. I know it will get easier, and I know I will be strong. But just for tonight, I’m going to learn to find happiness by myself! 🙂