Tag Archives: Creativity

Stripping Down

Being human is complicated.  It’s difficult and messy.  Along with our animalistic urges and instincts, we are programmed to feel and make decisions and take responsibility.  Things have always been hard for humans, mostly because we make things harder  for ourselves.  If we really followed our instincts on everything, how many mistakes would we make?

With all of the important stresses we have to take on, we also have a society that puts insane pressures on us…pressure to look a certain way, make a certain amount of money, live a certain lifestyle.  And what happens to the people who don’t fit into that box?  What happens to the musician who doesn’t want to work an ordinary job that he hates, and he doesn’t want to be like everyone else, screwing over others to get what he wants?  What happens to the girl who wants to live off the grid away from the busy lifestyle, away from the “prison” of technology and typical possessions?  What happens to me, the goofy, chubby girl who would rather write books than make friends or sit in a rainstorm rather than lying on a beach getting a tan?  What happens to the people who don’t want to be millionaires or reality TV stars, the people who don’t care who made their shoes or clothes or if their hair is real or fake?

How did everything become so plastic?  Nails are fake, tans are fake, boobs are fake, people are fake.

Sometimes it’s good to strip down to the nudity and vulnerability of who we really are.  Just human.  This may lead to really seeing who others are.  I lost a friend recently who I thought was my very best friend.  It was a very hard loss, but it was a necessary one.  Part of my journey is about separating from the negative and embracing the positive in life.  It’s about realizing I can’t fix everyone; I can’t solve all the problems in someone else’s world, and I most certainly cannot rescue them.  I tend to gravitate toward broken people.  I know how it feels to be broken and to need someone strong in my life.  But it’s not my job to fix everything for everyone.  And fake, drama-filled people tend to gravitate toward me.

My friend was so easy to love.  She was funny and charming.  She could bat her huge green eyes and make everything better, or so it seemed.  I felt I could talk to her about anything until I started to hear the stories back, only twisted.  It turned out that she didn’t really care about me but about what I could do for her.  Our relationship became about me helping her with money and transportation, about guilt where there should be no guilt.  She was a manipulator, and I could see it so clearly all of the sudden.  And it wasn’t just with me, it was with everyone.  I would hear her on the phone playing the system to get a hand out when she didn’t have a job.  And here I was working multiple jobs and helping her buy groceries.  The more books I sold, the more I owed her…until I couldn’t anymore, not financially, not emotionally.  When this happened, she blew up.  She tried to guilt me into changing my mind.  When that didn’t work, she cried and blamed it on other people.  When that didn’t work, she tried to take it all back, full of excuses for her behavior.  But I was done.  I couldn’t do it anymore.  After I deleted her from my life, she still continued to reach out.  Finally, she stopped.

I do miss the fun and the comfort and closeness I felt, even though it was an illusion.  I just needed to strip away the negativity and start focusing on the positive things in my life, the things I really need to get through the storms.  I don’t feel any guilt from my decision to break off that relationship.

I’m not entirely sure why this was on my mind tonight, but maybe someone out there reading this will take something from it.  It’s okay to let go of things if it means you get to be a better version of you.  It’s okay to try to better yourself without stepping on others.  And it’s okay to make decisions that are right for you, no matter what others think about you.

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It’s All In A Day’s Work

I love my job.  I love everything it stands for, and I love that every day I get to help people.  Fingers crossed, this will turn into something more permanent, and I will be able to continue working with this organization.  However, writing is my passion.  Ideally, I would love to have a stable job as a writer.

My book sales are great, and every penny from that helps.  But it’s not exactly consistent.  So, I’ve been looking into some freelance writing jobs for extra income.  My pride has been my downfall on this task.  I know I’m a great writer, and I know I can be a success story.  But all the logistics behind finding a freelance writing job are insane!

1)  You HAVE to have a portfolio!

There is no getting around this one.  How have I made it this long without having a portfolio?  I suppose I just never needed one until now.  This is a good thing, though.  It’s forcing me to tread into new territory and go back over all my work, really discovering which pieces are the best.

2)  You should definitely update your resume periodically.

I made a resume years ago, but the types of jobs I’ve worked, they didn’t ask for one.  Then I forgot about it and hid it under a pile of dusty papers that should probably have been filed 5 years ago.  So, now here I am completely redoing a resume just so I can apply for these jobs!

3)  I am not the greatest writer in the world.

For some, this concept is a given.  But a creative person has a bit of self-absorption.  This is a must seeing as no one would ever continue to create art after all of the negative critiques.  You have to believe you are great in order to keep going.  But the other side of this is (for me at least) I am usually in this bubble of my own words, and I don’t recognize other’s talents.  Then when the blinders are removed, and I began actually noticing who I will be competing against, I become instantly intimidated.  This causes me to want to tear up everything I’ve written and start again.  I know, I’m dramatic.

So, today my day will consist of piecing together a portfolio and updating a very old resume.  Yes, this girl is a party animal! 🙂