Tag Archives: Divorce

It’s Just a Bathtub

It’s just a bathtub.  It’s just a bathtub.  It’s just a bathtub!  These are the words I keep repeating in my head as I soak in my enormous Jacuzzi tub.  This is my last night in my current house.

I’ve never been one to put much value on material things.  It’s only stuff, replaceable.  You can’t take it with you, right?  I’ve lived in this house for seven years, and in those seven years, I have cried, bled, laughed, danced.  There are so many memories all over the emotional spectrum attached to this house.  But it’s only a house.

This weekend I have started moving into my new house.  There are many positives to think about.  This new house has more bedrooms and a bigger yard that is fenced in.  This new house is a blank slate of empty walls eager to be filled with new memories, pictures and finger paintings of rainbows and ninja turtles.  This new house is all mine.

But, of course, there are many things I will miss.  My kitchen, for one.  We remodeled this house a couple of years ago, and I got to create my dream kitchen.  Now, I’m downgrading to a much smaller one.  My walk-in closet is another.  A wall of shelves holding a mixture of shoes, old typewriters and many many books.  And finally, my tub.  I have spent many nights soaking in this tub thinking about my novel or the crap that happened that day.  I’ve spent hours sobbing the pain away in this tub.  Tonight was my last bath in this tub.  And that’s okay. I’ll move on, and I’ll laugh at how attached I was to a bathtub.  But the idea of leaving my home to start making a home somewhere else is a little sad.

I’m sad about the circumstances surrounding my move.  I’m sad that one part of my life is truly and officially ending while the thought of starting a new life terrifies me.  I know I’ll be okay.  I know I’ll find the courage to walk through this new territory, and I’ll be proud of myself on the other side of it.  But tonight, I need to be a little sad.  It’s not always easy closing the door to something that is so familiar and comfortable.

Oh! For the Love of Ignorance!!

So, it is my weekend with the kids, and these are my favorite days!  I love getting to play with them and take them places without the worry of having to rush them to be with their dad.

Well, since I have started my new job, I really never know when I might have to work.  It’s one of those jobs that when they say they need me, I have to be there.  And really, I don’t mind because it’s not interfered yet with my time with the kids.

Tomorrow, I have to work.  So, I ask my ex if he can switch days with me and keep them tomorrow.  I’m not sure why I was so surprised by his response, I’ve heard it many times before over the coarse of our marriage, but I was surprised.

He first decided to tell me that he takes the kids everywhere when he has them, and he thinks it’s funny that I can’t handle my own kids.  Then he proceeds to inform me that if I can’t handle being a working single mother, I should have stayed with him.

Yes, this indeed got my blood boiling.  I’m not much of a yeller, but today I was.  I began my defense by saying something like, “Are you f*cking kidding me?”  Then I continued with, “For years I had the kids by myself with NO help from you ever!  And we were married then!  What makes you think I can’t handle my kids?  I’ve been taking care of them by myself since they were born!”  Yes, people, it’s true.  He was not a hands on dad, and that’s okay, he did his best.  But to try to tell me that I am inadequate!  No sir!  I do not think so!

I called him “the biggest assh*le I have ever met” and hung up the phone.  People who live in denial and the lies that they build for themselves to feel better are completely absurd.  Just for the record, I am a great mom! 🙂

Hello, Strangers

So, I know it has been a few weeks since I have written anything.  I have been on sabbatical in an attempt to find myself.  Does that sound like a good excuse?  No?  Well, my real excuse is much worse.  I have gotten a bit busy with life.  *Yikes!*

I started a new job, which I thoroughly enjoy!  I am part of a program that helps feed hungry children.  Yay for helping others!  Also, a lot has been going on in my home…not anything serious, just the stress of separation and the stress of children and, oh!  the stress of being me.  Yes, if I could run away from myself, I would.

In the midst of all the drama and anxiety, I have found myself strangely at peace with everything.  I am rocking this “one day at a time” bologna, and I am quite proud of myself for maintaining the supermom image.  I’m not saying that I’m actually a supermom, but somehow I am managing to pull off this life (for now at least).  Ask me again in a day or too.

One thing I have been working on is becoming a better person in many different ways…physically, mentally, career-wise, yadda yadda yadda.  But a huge area I have missed is becoming a better writer.  How could you miss that?  That is your number one passion!  Well, folks, I have overlooked it.  It hasn’t been because I think I’m a fantastic writer or anything.  It’s not because I don’t think I can grow anymore as a writer.  It’s simply because I have been stuck in a rut.  I went back and read many of my recent stories/novel attempts, and they all are essentially the same – dark and twisty (thank you Meredith Grey for that term).

But every talent needs a bit of variety, right?  So, I decided to challenge myself.  30 days of short stories!  Every day for 30 days, I am going to try to write a short story…which, if you’re a genius at math like I am, means I will have 30 stories at the end of this challenge.  Short stories are not difficult for me seeing as I write pretty much every spare minute I have.  But the challenge is to make each story different.  *gasp* Can she do it?  I hope so!

As part of my writing style, I use my typewriter.  No, not the cute, antique 1950s style…the giant, clunky, electric 90s style.  Oh yeah, I’m cool!  However, I encountered a problem tonight when starting my story…my ribbon thingy (I have no clue what it’s really called)  needs to be replaced!  So, no sexy nerdy typewriter typing tonight for this girl.  I will have to settle for this laptop.  *boo*  So, in search for a new ribbon, I have come across hundreds, no thousands, no millions of pictures of beautiful antique typewriters!  Google will do that to you.  I think I’m going to start collecting them!  I know!  It’s a marvelous idea!  🙂  I always wanted something to collect and be obsessed with other than dust or juice boxes.  And now I have figured out the perfect collection hobby!  As you can probably tell, I am quite excited about this!  I also have decided that if I am to ever get married again (not likely)  I would like instead of an engagement ring, a 1950s pink typewriter.  1950s pink royalOkay?  Did you all get that?

Well, I suppose that is enough catch-up for tonight!  Hope you all are having an amazing week! 🙂

Life After Divorce

I’ve been getting lots of emails from people asking what life after divorce is like.  From my point, I can’t answer this yet.  I can tell you what I’ve seen from other divorced friends, but I’m not living a life after divorce.

I have a friend who, after her divorce, met and married an incredible man.  He adopted her daughter, and let’s face it, has been more of a father to the little girl than the bio dad ever was.  My friend is happy and successful, and if her divorce had never happened, she would have never ended up with the man she’s with now.

I also have friends that have divorced, and everything fell apart.  They are so broken that even after years of being single, they are still trying to put the pieces together.

Divorce is hard, and it’s different for every one.

I went to dinner with some friends of mine, a couple and their two children.  I didn’t feel like the fifth wheel because they are awesome at making me feel included.  But then the check came, and the waiter asked if we were all together on one check.  Before I knew it, the words, “I’m by myself” flew out of my mouth.  All of the sudden, I realized that this is my life now…picking up my own checks and hanging out with other couples as “the single friend”.  People giving me that “poor-girl-she’s-going-through-a-rough-spell” look and set-ups with guys that have no other commonality with me except they are single.

Why is it that the moment you are single, your friends think pushing you into another relationship will mend things?  The truth is, I’m not looking for someone to glue me back together.  I’m doing that job quite nicely myself.  And I’m not having a rough spell, in my mind.  Yes, some hard things are happening, but most nights, I go to bed with a smile on face because I know that finally I can go for my dreams and finally I can be me.

So, I have thought about what life after divorce will look like, what it will make me look like.  And I think it will make me look stronger, not a victim.  Every day, I am finding myself again, and that is so exciting!  Will there be another man in my life?  Who knows?  But I’m not waiting around for one.  Will I ever get married again?  Maybe, but I’m not planning a wedding anytime soon.  Besides, I will probably go into the next relationship with eyes WIDE open!

But, like we all have to do, I am taking it one day at a time. 🙂

It’s Therapeutic

My typical routine on a stressful day would be keeping myself busy with work, the kids and the housework.  Then at the end of the day when everything is quiet and no one can see me, I would snack until my stomach hurts.  Of course this contributed to my weight gain, but I would convince myself that if no one saw me, it never happened.  I would somehow block it out of my memory and continue a lie about how much I eat. 

One day, after having a conversation with a friend about why I couldn’t drop the pounds, she suggested I keep a food journal.  During the day, everything was fine.  I really wasn’t overeating.  Then came night time, and my usual routine was carried out.  I began making notes of everything I was snacking on and reading the calories on the label.  I was in shock!  Who knew that I could each this much? 

Now, I keep a daily food journal and watch my calories.  I also have changed the times of day that I eat.  I rarely eat anything after 8 p.m.  I used to never eat breakfast, but now I am beginning to get used to eating a yogurt and banana every morning.  These are just little changes, but they seem to be helping me in more ways than just weight loss. 

1)  I am sleeping better

2) After nearly a lifetime of stomach troubles that have resulted in many admissions to the hospital, my stomach seems to be calmer than normal

3) I have more energy, which helps me eliminate most of my caffeine intake

4) I just feel better

The past couple of nights, however, I have had trouble sleeping.  It’s probably from stress because I have the wonderful skill of worrying about every little thing that happens (especially those things out of my control).  But when the exhaustion is coupled with the stress of my separation and the stress of my job and the stress of being a mother to 4 children, one with special needs, I find myself wanting to comfort myself with food.

Hi, I’m Abbey, and I’m a food addict!

But instead of cramming Doritos and candy down my throat, I did some extra running.  If anything, the soreness of my body kept me from walking to the fridge for a late night snack! 

Another switch I have made…I am IN LOVE with hazelnut coffee creamer!!!  I have tried the sugar free version, but let’s just face it, I love sugar, too.  So, every morning I would drink a pot of coffee by myself with a lot of hazelnut creamer.  Then my good British friend informed me that I have to start drinking tea.  I’m a pretty picky eater/drinker, but I thought, what the hell?  I’ll give it a try.  Now, I rarely have coffee.  I’m a tea drinker, sweetening it with a bit of honey.  My favorite teas are:  Bigelow Green Tea, Earl Grey, and Bigelow Constant Comment black tea.  I drink these teas all day, mostly in place of snacking. 

So, as usual, I am still just taking it one day at a time, making little changes at a time, and loving every minute of my journey to becoming healthy both physically and mentally!  Good luck on your journey! 🙂

The Beginning

This is my first post on this blog, but it is not my first post ever.  I actually have another blog called aspiehero.com, and it is mostly used to chronicle my life as the mother of an Aspie.  If you are not familiar with the term Aspie, it is a cute way of saying someone with Asperger’s Syndrome.  My son was diagnosed with this almost 2 years ago. 

But this blog is intended to be about the rest of my life.  I’m sure I will hit on some autism spectrum topics since that is a huge part of my life, but there is so much more. 

So, here is a recap of the last eight or so years of my life, and this will catch you up to where I am now.  In 2006, I had my daughter.  To save you the math, I was 19 years old.  In 2008, I was married and had my son, and my new husband adopted my daughter.  In 2010, my next son was born.  In 2013, I got custody of my niece.  I know your minds are swarming with numbers…this means I have an 8 year old daughter, a 5 year old son, a 4 year old son and a 4 year old niece.  Yes, my hands are full, but I wouldn’t have it any other way! 🙂

After six hard years of marriage, my husband and I decided to call it quits.  Everything is separated, time with the kids included.  One thing I never thought I would ever be is divorced, but it seems that I’ll be eating crow on that one.  I’m not bitter or angry, I think I just feel (today at least) like it’s both of us moving on to places where we are meant to be.  No one is completely at fault, we both made mistakes.  Life goes on, blah blah blah.

Another change going on is the transition from being home with the kids to having all four kids in school and starting a career.  I am a writer, and my first book was just published.  Exciting!!!  And now I have to let go of my four little security blankets and actually be myself!  That part is terrifying!  I don’t know how everything is going to turn out.  Will I be successful?  Will my kids be okay?  Will I fall apart into a million tiny pieces and accidentally get swept into someone’s trash can?  Who knows?  But all I can do is take it one day at a time.  Don’t roll your eyes!  That’s all you can do, too! 

So, welcome to my journey, and I hope you enjoy this crazy, messy, loud, happy ride!