Tag Archives: Motherhood

Just Above

I have been feeling myself sinking lately.  I feel as if my body is doing the impossible and shrinking into this tiny, invisible breath.  One small gust of wind and I will be swept away and broken down into more microscopic particles that the naked eye cannot recognize.

But somehow in this ocean, this enormous, bottomless blue pit of depression, I am keeping my head just above it.  I am kicking my feet and rowing my arms as fast and hard as I can.  I am proud of that.  I am proud that in the midst of emotional destruction, in the midst of this black hole that is swallowing me, I am still here.  I am still forcing myself to wake up each morning, and I am still breathing.

My senses are in an overdose state from continuous Coldplay, Hozier and City and Colour.  I dance in my kitchen, my long, curly, unkempt hair exploding around me.  This is my natural state, the place where I am most comfortable.  Music pounding against my ear drums as an army would pound against a stone wall in an attempt to forge through and conquer.  I am still kicking, swimming, staying just above.

The monotony of my world, the never ending, robotic torture of being responsible is what I have grown to love.  My heart is deep and full of this passion that has become motherhood, but the passion of that which was a writer has been dwindling on a thin strand, ready to snap at any moment.  I count the seconds before I have lost all of me, becoming unrecognizable.

I grasp tightly to my old self, begging whatever God is there to stop stripping me of what I know, what I am good at, what I am proud of.  Just as I feel the dream slipping through my fingertips, I find some sort of strength and grip even tighter.  They are mine again, these words pouring from my fingers onto the keys of this computer.  I can breathe again.  I see me, and I am proud of where I am.  I am proud to be a writer.  I am proud of keeping my head just above.  I am proud of the monotony.

 

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It’s Therapeutic

My typical routine on a stressful day would be keeping myself busy with work, the kids and the housework.  Then at the end of the day when everything is quiet and no one can see me, I would snack until my stomach hurts.  Of course this contributed to my weight gain, but I would convince myself that if no one saw me, it never happened.  I would somehow block it out of my memory and continue a lie about how much I eat. 

One day, after having a conversation with a friend about why I couldn’t drop the pounds, she suggested I keep a food journal.  During the day, everything was fine.  I really wasn’t overeating.  Then came night time, and my usual routine was carried out.  I began making notes of everything I was snacking on and reading the calories on the label.  I was in shock!  Who knew that I could each this much? 

Now, I keep a daily food journal and watch my calories.  I also have changed the times of day that I eat.  I rarely eat anything after 8 p.m.  I used to never eat breakfast, but now I am beginning to get used to eating a yogurt and banana every morning.  These are just little changes, but they seem to be helping me in more ways than just weight loss. 

1)  I am sleeping better

2) After nearly a lifetime of stomach troubles that have resulted in many admissions to the hospital, my stomach seems to be calmer than normal

3) I have more energy, which helps me eliminate most of my caffeine intake

4) I just feel better

The past couple of nights, however, I have had trouble sleeping.  It’s probably from stress because I have the wonderful skill of worrying about every little thing that happens (especially those things out of my control).  But when the exhaustion is coupled with the stress of my separation and the stress of my job and the stress of being a mother to 4 children, one with special needs, I find myself wanting to comfort myself with food.

Hi, I’m Abbey, and I’m a food addict!

But instead of cramming Doritos and candy down my throat, I did some extra running.  If anything, the soreness of my body kept me from walking to the fridge for a late night snack! 

Another switch I have made…I am IN LOVE with hazelnut coffee creamer!!!  I have tried the sugar free version, but let’s just face it, I love sugar, too.  So, every morning I would drink a pot of coffee by myself with a lot of hazelnut creamer.  Then my good British friend informed me that I have to start drinking tea.  I’m a pretty picky eater/drinker, but I thought, what the hell?  I’ll give it a try.  Now, I rarely have coffee.  I’m a tea drinker, sweetening it with a bit of honey.  My favorite teas are:  Bigelow Green Tea, Earl Grey, and Bigelow Constant Comment black tea.  I drink these teas all day, mostly in place of snacking. 

So, as usual, I am still just taking it one day at a time, making little changes at a time, and loving every minute of my journey to becoming healthy both physically and mentally!  Good luck on your journey! 🙂