Tag Archives: Promoting Books

Stripping Down

Being human is complicated.  It’s difficult and messy.  Along with our animalistic urges and instincts, we are programmed to feel and make decisions and take responsibility.  Things have always been hard for humans, mostly because we make things harder  for ourselves.  If we really followed our instincts on everything, how many mistakes would we make?

With all of the important stresses we have to take on, we also have a society that puts insane pressures on us…pressure to look a certain way, make a certain amount of money, live a certain lifestyle.  And what happens to the people who don’t fit into that box?  What happens to the musician who doesn’t want to work an ordinary job that he hates, and he doesn’t want to be like everyone else, screwing over others to get what he wants?  What happens to the girl who wants to live off the grid away from the busy lifestyle, away from the “prison” of technology and typical possessions?  What happens to me, the goofy, chubby girl who would rather write books than make friends or sit in a rainstorm rather than lying on a beach getting a tan?  What happens to the people who don’t want to be millionaires or reality TV stars, the people who don’t care who made their shoes or clothes or if their hair is real or fake?

How did everything become so plastic?  Nails are fake, tans are fake, boobs are fake, people are fake.

Sometimes it’s good to strip down to the nudity and vulnerability of who we really are.  Just human.  This may lead to really seeing who others are.  I lost a friend recently who I thought was my very best friend.  It was a very hard loss, but it was a necessary one.  Part of my journey is about separating from the negative and embracing the positive in life.  It’s about realizing I can’t fix everyone; I can’t solve all the problems in someone else’s world, and I most certainly cannot rescue them.  I tend to gravitate toward broken people.  I know how it feels to be broken and to need someone strong in my life.  But it’s not my job to fix everything for everyone.  And fake, drama-filled people tend to gravitate toward me.

My friend was so easy to love.  She was funny and charming.  She could bat her huge green eyes and make everything better, or so it seemed.  I felt I could talk to her about anything until I started to hear the stories back, only twisted.  It turned out that she didn’t really care about me but about what I could do for her.  Our relationship became about me helping her with money and transportation, about guilt where there should be no guilt.  She was a manipulator, and I could see it so clearly all of the sudden.  And it wasn’t just with me, it was with everyone.  I would hear her on the phone playing the system to get a hand out when she didn’t have a job.  And here I was working multiple jobs and helping her buy groceries.  The more books I sold, the more I owed her…until I couldn’t anymore, not financially, not emotionally.  When this happened, she blew up.  She tried to guilt me into changing my mind.  When that didn’t work, she cried and blamed it on other people.  When that didn’t work, she tried to take it all back, full of excuses for her behavior.  But I was done.  I couldn’t do it anymore.  After I deleted her from my life, she still continued to reach out.  Finally, she stopped.

I do miss the fun and the comfort and closeness I felt, even though it was an illusion.  I just needed to strip away the negativity and start focusing on the positive things in my life, the things I really need to get through the storms.  I don’t feel any guilt from my decision to break off that relationship.

I’m not entirely sure why this was on my mind tonight, but maybe someone out there reading this will take something from it.  It’s okay to let go of things if it means you get to be a better version of you.  It’s okay to try to better yourself without stepping on others.  And it’s okay to make decisions that are right for you, no matter what others think about you.

<script async src=”//pagead2.googlesyndication.com/pagead/js/adsbygoogle.js”></script>
<!– Aspie Hero –>
<ins class=”adsbygoogle”
style=”display:inline-block;width:300px;height:600px”
data-ad-client=”ca-pub-3402055810526464″
data-ad-slot=”1738814838″></ins>
<script>
(adsbygoogle = window.adsbygoogle || []).push({});
</script>

Advertisements

Tribute

This past week has been a difficult one.  Promoting my book has taken over my life a bit, which is exactly what needs to happen.  The downside is I have been using that as an excuse not to workout much.  My eating has been great, and that has completely saved me!

Red and I took a road trip to Virginia to promote the book, and I must say, I am a huge fan of road trips when no kids are accompanying us.  😉  We sang our hearts out to Adele and learned more than we wanted to about each other while playing “20 questions”, “Would you rather” and “Marry, sex, kill”.

roadtrip

Another event that has made this week extremely difficult is the loss of my dad.  Without going into the complicated details of everything, I will simply say we were not on the greatest of terms.  But still, the loss of a parent is confusing and emotional.  To explain how his death impacts my health, I will start by saying this:  my dad was an alcoholic and extremely overweight.  He smoked like a freight train on top of all of that.  Since he’s lived in Texas, I haven’t seen him in years and updates of him were through my grandmother who I am very close with.  Sunday night, she called to let me know that my dad was extremely sick and refusing to go to the hospital.  Monday his condition had worsened.  I finally got ahold of my stepmother that night, and she reassured me that if he was still sick by morning, she would call an ambulance.

Tuesday morning, my oldest brother informed me that our dad was being rushed to the hospital because he was yellow.  That’s when I knew it was his liver.  His liver and kidneys had completely shut down.  Still, I was optimistic that he could pull through (denial, I know).  At around 9 Wednesday morning, I called my grandmother.  His blood pressure had dropped, but he still had a heart beat.  By 9:30, my grandmother was calling me in hysterics because he was gone.  That’s how fast it happened!

I’m sure there had been so much damage over the years because of his alcohol abuse, but the end happened suddenly.  He was 53 years old.  And his five children, all relatively young (ages from 18-36) are left without a dad.

I don’t want to be 53 and dying.  I’m not an alcoholic, but I’m not the epitome of health either.  I am overweight, and I am an emotional eater.  I’ve smoked for years, even after I’ve watched family members die of lung cancer.  But they were all in their old age when they died.  My dad was barely in his 50’s.  I do not want to leave my children on this earth wondering why the hell I did those things to myself.  Why I chose food over them.

This tragic event has sent my motivation for health even higher than it has been.  I know that any of us at any moment could die, but I don’t want it to be because I’m overweight and didn’t take care of myself.

Bye, Dad.  You’ll be missed by many.

dad 2 dad