Tag Archives: Writer

Just Above

I have been feeling myself sinking lately.  I feel as if my body is doing the impossible and shrinking into this tiny, invisible breath.  One small gust of wind and I will be swept away and broken down into more microscopic particles that the naked eye cannot recognize.

But somehow in this ocean, this enormous, bottomless blue pit of depression, I am keeping my head just above it.  I am kicking my feet and rowing my arms as fast and hard as I can.  I am proud of that.  I am proud that in the midst of emotional destruction, in the midst of this black hole that is swallowing me, I am still here.  I am still forcing myself to wake up each morning, and I am still breathing.

My senses are in an overdose state from continuous Coldplay, Hozier and City and Colour.  I dance in my kitchen, my long, curly, unkempt hair exploding around me.  This is my natural state, the place where I am most comfortable.  Music pounding against my ear drums as an army would pound against a stone wall in an attempt to forge through and conquer.  I am still kicking, swimming, staying just above.

The monotony of my world, the never ending, robotic torture of being responsible is what I have grown to love.  My heart is deep and full of this passion that has become motherhood, but the passion of that which was a writer has been dwindling on a thin strand, ready to snap at any moment.  I count the seconds before I have lost all of me, becoming unrecognizable.

I grasp tightly to my old self, begging whatever God is there to stop stripping me of what I know, what I am good at, what I am proud of.  Just as I feel the dream slipping through my fingertips, I find some sort of strength and grip even tighter.  They are mine again, these words pouring from my fingers onto the keys of this computer.  I can breathe again.  I see me, and I am proud of where I am.  I am proud to be a writer.  I am proud of keeping my head just above.  I am proud of the monotony.

 

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It’s Just a Bathtub

It’s just a bathtub.  It’s just a bathtub.  It’s just a bathtub!  These are the words I keep repeating in my head as I soak in my enormous Jacuzzi tub.  This is my last night in my current house.

I’ve never been one to put much value on material things.  It’s only stuff, replaceable.  You can’t take it with you, right?  I’ve lived in this house for seven years, and in those seven years, I have cried, bled, laughed, danced.  There are so many memories all over the emotional spectrum attached to this house.  But it’s only a house.

This weekend I have started moving into my new house.  There are many positives to think about.  This new house has more bedrooms and a bigger yard that is fenced in.  This new house is a blank slate of empty walls eager to be filled with new memories, pictures and finger paintings of rainbows and ninja turtles.  This new house is all mine.

But, of course, there are many things I will miss.  My kitchen, for one.  We remodeled this house a couple of years ago, and I got to create my dream kitchen.  Now, I’m downgrading to a much smaller one.  My walk-in closet is another.  A wall of shelves holding a mixture of shoes, old typewriters and many many books.  And finally, my tub.  I have spent many nights soaking in this tub thinking about my novel or the crap that happened that day.  I’ve spent hours sobbing the pain away in this tub.  Tonight was my last bath in this tub.  And that’s okay. I’ll move on, and I’ll laugh at how attached I was to a bathtub.  But the idea of leaving my home to start making a home somewhere else is a little sad.

I’m sad about the circumstances surrounding my move.  I’m sad that one part of my life is truly and officially ending while the thought of starting a new life terrifies me.  I know I’ll be okay.  I know I’ll find the courage to walk through this new territory, and I’ll be proud of myself on the other side of it.  But tonight, I need to be a little sad.  It’s not always easy closing the door to something that is so familiar and comfortable.

Life After Divorce

I’ve been getting lots of emails from people asking what life after divorce is like.  From my point, I can’t answer this yet.  I can tell you what I’ve seen from other divorced friends, but I’m not living a life after divorce.

I have a friend who, after her divorce, met and married an incredible man.  He adopted her daughter, and let’s face it, has been more of a father to the little girl than the bio dad ever was.  My friend is happy and successful, and if her divorce had never happened, she would have never ended up with the man she’s with now.

I also have friends that have divorced, and everything fell apart.  They are so broken that even after years of being single, they are still trying to put the pieces together.

Divorce is hard, and it’s different for every one.

I went to dinner with some friends of mine, a couple and their two children.  I didn’t feel like the fifth wheel because they are awesome at making me feel included.  But then the check came, and the waiter asked if we were all together on one check.  Before I knew it, the words, “I’m by myself” flew out of my mouth.  All of the sudden, I realized that this is my life now…picking up my own checks and hanging out with other couples as “the single friend”.  People giving me that “poor-girl-she’s-going-through-a-rough-spell” look and set-ups with guys that have no other commonality with me except they are single.

Why is it that the moment you are single, your friends think pushing you into another relationship will mend things?  The truth is, I’m not looking for someone to glue me back together.  I’m doing that job quite nicely myself.  And I’m not having a rough spell, in my mind.  Yes, some hard things are happening, but most nights, I go to bed with a smile on face because I know that finally I can go for my dreams and finally I can be me.

So, I have thought about what life after divorce will look like, what it will make me look like.  And I think it will make me look stronger, not a victim.  Every day, I am finding myself again, and that is so exciting!  Will there be another man in my life?  Who knows?  But I’m not waiting around for one.  Will I ever get married again?  Maybe, but I’m not planning a wedding anytime soon.  Besides, I will probably go into the next relationship with eyes WIDE open!

But, like we all have to do, I am taking it one day at a time. 🙂